Anne Frank, Tall Bikes, and One Clean Duck

Yesterday was the UMass Motor Sport Clubs' annual car show. The cars were okay, I guess, but my favorite part by far was the modified tall bikes. They don't look too safe or convenient, but boy are they cool.

Before I went to the car show I walked the campus pond. There was this duck freaking out, trying to clean itself. Luckily I had my video camera on hand, capturing most of his ridiculous antics.



There is about a week left of solid classes and I am pretty happy about that. After giving it much thought, I have decided to stay an extra semester so I can successful fulfill all of my academic requirements without going completely crazy. This means I won't be signing up for online courses this summer; something that may have posed some difficulty if it were placed on top of my already hectic plans.

This is an exert from my high school sketch book. I probably drew this when I was 16, maybe 17. I was, and still am, a big fan of the accessories and affectations of the classic American homeless man. There's a guy that hangs out on Main Street that recently lost his leg. Now he walks around with crutches, mumbling and yelling at people.

Speak easy,
Neil

Today's Playlist:
Orality In The Fourth Dimension

This is a playlist of my favorite narrative songs, or songs that tell a kind of linear story. Most of them have a beginning, middle, and end, but a few of the songs on the list are a little less obvious (although they still have a story with multiple characters). Although, I suppose you could make the point that every song has some sort of story to tell.

1. Flight of the Conchords - Nothin' Wrong (Folk The World Tour)
[A man kills his wife and chops up her body...it's actually a really funny song]

2. The Streets - It Was Supposed To Be So Easy (A Grand Don't...)
[After running errands, a man returns to find a house full of friends and 1,000 quid missing]

3. Clarence Carter - Patches (Patches)
[A boy deals with many losses as he grows up working on the family farm]

4. The Decemberists - A Cautionary Song (Castaways and Cutouts)
[A woman prostitutes herself to the local sailors to feed her children]

5. Ben Folds - Fred Jones Part 2 (Rockin' The Suburbs)
[An old man is laid off from his job after 25 years]

6. Nickel Creek - The Lighthouse Tale (Nickel Creek)
[A tragic love story told from the point of view of a lighthouse]

7. Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy, Jr. (Come On, Feel The Illonoise)
[The true story of a man who dressed up as a clown and proceeded to rape and murder young boys]

8. Death Cab For Cutie - Styrofoam Plates (The Photo Album)
[A man copes with the death of his deadbeat dad]

9. Bright Eyes - Amy In The White Coat (Noise Floor)
[A girl is sexually abused by her father and falls into a deep depression]

10. Neutral Milk Hotel - Two Headed Boy (In The Aeroplane Over The Sea)
[A cryptic song about dancing and getting intimate with Anne Frank]

11. M. Ward - Chinese Translation (Post-War)
[A man travels across land and ocean to find the answers to some of life's most difficult questions]

12. Say Hi To Your Mom - As Smart As Geek Is Chic Right Now (Ferocious Mopes)
[A group of robots are accidentally given brains and are subsequently killed by a scared security gaurd]

Note: This list ended up being more depressing than I thought it would.

mimes are from mars

All of my important classes are done for the week. It feels really good just to be able to relax. Procrastination is a cruel mistress.

I was thinking about the mouth and all of its functions. How it can chew food and, likewise, be used for defense. How it can taste all different kinds of spices. How you think something and, through practice and understanding, you are able to communicate. The way a curled smile can travel from one persons soul and travel straight through another. The soft intimacy of a passionate kiss. An open passage that brings air into the lungs to keep the heart beating.
Although, when you view the mouth closely, it really isn't much to look at. Go find a mirror, you'll see what I'm talking about.



By the way...all men are d*cks, all women are b*tches, and everyone is crazy. The normal ones are just the ones that can hide it the best. This is just the way it is.

Now onto today's virtues...

Virtue 4: "Resolution". If you start something, you ought to finish it. This also applies to performing tasks that you ought to complete. The way I see it, you are the sum of your accomplishments. Not just creations but ideas and skills too. I'd elaborate further but I feel like I'm getting too "big picture". The bottom line...just get up and do something that you can be proud of.

Virtue 5: "Frugality" Don't waste money or time if you can help it. There's only so much you get before it's gone. Which reminds me, we need another space race. I really want to see Mars terraformed by the end of my lifetime.

Here is the first page of the book I did for my senior project class a few years ago. The final project was about 24 pages long; 10 of which I'm not completely embarrassed of.


Speak easy,
Neil

Today's Playlist:
Driving Home to Cape Cod (Requested by Andrew)

1. Shout Out Louds - Tonight I Have To Leave It (Our Ill Wills)
2. Pavement - Cut Your Hair (Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain)
3. Andrew Bird - Tables and Chairs (The Mysterious Production of Eggs)
4. Ben Folds Five - Army (The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold...)
5. Liam Lynch - Still Wasted From The Party Last Night (Fake Songs)
6. Grandaddy - A.M. 180 (Under The Western Freeway)
7. The Flaming Lips - The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song (At War With The Mystics)
8. Animal Collective - Water Curses (Water Curses)
9. Los Campesinos! - Death To Los Campesinos! (Hold On Now, Youngster)
10. Adam Green - Jessica (Friends of Mine)
11. Goldspot - Float On (The OC: Mix 6) *Modest Mouse Cover*
12. The Shins - New Slang [feat. Iron & Wine] (Fighting In A Sack EP)

Sleeping is a Gateway Drug To Being Awake

I woke up early this morning to get a paper done. After napping this afternoon, I discovered drool on my pillow. This is 1) monumental and 2) gross. Luckily my immediate reaction leans towards the latter, prompting me to flip over my pillow in a thoughtless stupor. This is, however, monumental because it means that I drifted into a deep sleep only reserved for the aftermath of a rare sleepless night. Now that I think about it, maybe this wasn't so monumental.

If I can teach anyone anything it is that pulling an 'all nighter' is counter-intuitive. Your body needs to recharge any way it sees fit and will do so by sucking all of the energy and creative juices from your body and mind. But what do I do if I have something important to work on and its Midnight and I really really need to hand it in to get a decent grade? This is what you do. You go to sleep and set the alarm for 4 o'clock in the morning. This will give you the necessary boost that most energy drinks only promise. Take it from me, this is your best bet.

The birds on campus are all piled on top of each next to the central pond. I don't know why they do this. It reminds me of the scenes towards the beginning of Mulan when the troops are all gathered outside their tents. This is after she becomes a man but before she shames her father. Every time I walk by there is always one duck that laughs just like Donald Duck. For some reason I keep thinking that this sound may be one of the angry sounds a duck makes. I really hope not though, it makes me smile.


Lev and I have this little piece of paper with taped to the door of my closet. If either of us find ourselves in a compromising situation with a lady friend we have agreed to tape it adjacent to the doorknob. This process is classier and much less obvious that a sock or scrunchy on the doorknob. We have not had to use it as of yet.

Within the next week or so I am going to try and compile a list of "The Necessities of a Contemporary Gentleman". It will include all of the things that a man must do or have in order to be a decent contemporary gentleman. Chivalry isn't dead...it is just out somewhere politely holding a door open for a fine young woman.

Speak easy,
Neil

Today's Playlist:
Hip Hopscotch (or I think I may be too white to make a playlist of rap/hip hop songs)

1. Aesop Rock - Coffee (None Shall Pass)
2. M.I.A. - Paper Planes (Kala)
3. The Streets - Turn The Page (Original Pirate Material)
4. Ninja High School - Jam Band Death Cult (Young Adults Against Suicide)
5. Islands - Where There's a Will There's a Whalebone (Return To The Sea)
6. Tim Fite - Over The Counterculture (Over The Counterculture)
7. Islands - Rough Gem [Remix] (Rough Gem Single)
8 Flight of the Conchords - Hiphopopotamus Vs. Rhymenoceros (Flight of the Conchords)
9. Gorillaz - Double Bass (Gorillaz)
10. Time Fite - It's All Right Here (Over the Counterculture)

EDIT: Just in case anyone was curious, the cube pictured in the photo is the Weighted Companion Cube from Portal, a PC/XBOX 360 game. At the end of one of the levels you have to "euthanize" your new "best friend", the companion cube, in order to proceed.

Life Expectancy

Last night at the Dining Commons they served chicken and swordfish. I felt better about eating the swordfish because, out of the two, swordfish can defend themselves. They are fast swimmers and also have swords on their faces. Swordfish are second to narwhals for being the greatest animal with a weapon on its face. At the end of the day they are both equally delicious.

Lev believes saber-tooth tigers are the best animal in the animal kingdom with face weapons. Although they do have sabers for teeth, they are also extinct. I'll meet him half way and say that the saber-tooth tiger is the best land animal in this category.

After dinner, Lev and I talked about where we would live in Europe if we ever got the chance. Lev said that he would like to live in Switzerland because it is a neutral country. If Switzerland had a pH level, it would be 7. Its a good choice.


This is the UMass Amherst W.E.B. Du Bois library. I've heard that it is not only the tallest masonry structure in the world, but also the tallest academic library (not the largest, just the tallest). When it was built, the engineers did not anticipate the books to weigh as much as they did, so bricks began shooting out from the base of the structure. There is now a fence around the building and books in every other floor. When I am afraid that my entire day will be devoured by my dorm room, I take a stroll over to the 12th floor and do some leisurely reading.

Yesterday I noticed that sliding box cat was featured on Yahoo for two days in a row. Take that Obama!

My friend, Steph, told me that chipmunks live for 3-4 years in the wild, apposed to the 12 years that they live in captivity. This got me thinking. What if the average life expectancy of a human boosted to 300 years while in captivity? By captivity I mean being abducted by aliens, which I am pretty sure is our equivalent to chipmunk abduction.

Speak easy,
Neil

Today's Playlist:
C:\>music for robots.wav (or Yes Virginia, There Is a Robot Overlord)

1. Radiohead - Fitter Happier (OK Computer)
10. Say Hi To Your Mom - Pop Music of the Future (Numbers & Mumbles)
11. Tokyo (Lost In Translation OST)
100. The Olivia Tremor Contol - The Gravity Car (Music From the Unrealized...)
101. Does It Offend You, Yeah? - Attack Of the 60 ft Lesbian Octopus (You Have No Idea What You're Getting Yourself Into)
110. Crystal Castles - No Skin (Thrash Thrash Thrash)
111. The Robot Ate Me - Tied To The Car (They Ate Themselves)
1000. onelinedrawing - Smile (Visitor)
1001. Grandaddy - I'm On Standby (Sumday)
1010. Flight of the Conchords - Robots (Flight of the Conchords)
1011. Architecture In Helsinki - One Heavy February (Fingers Crossed)
1100. Sufjan Stevens - Joy! Joy! Joy! (A Sun Came!)
1101. The Most Serene Republic - Prologue (Underwater Cinematographer)

*Numerals coded in binary for your convenience.

P.S

Look closely at today's headline picture and you can see a flying 'V'!

If you listen to any music that I've posted it ought to be Fiona Apple's rendition of Across The Universe. Her voice is like warm bubbles in your head that never pop...they just kind of float around.

Зaпoй

It is Sunday and time is boiling slowly. Sometimes I feel really tired and I can't tell if it's from too much coffee or not enough coffee. I tend to side with not enough coffee because that one tastes better. Since I moved in to my dorm I have been using plastic spoons to stir my coffee. There is a part of me that is worried that the outer plastic of the spoons is melting into the coffee and eventually I will develop cancer from all of the toxins. I should probably just take regular spoons from the dining commons. Lev told me that they tag on extra money to your dining fee which covers theft. The same goes for clothing stores. This is why shirts at Hollister are $50.

Yesterday I commented on the elusive squirrel sneeze. The only thing I would like to add is that squirrel yawns are far less rare and much cuter. Check them out, they are amazing. Chipmunks are great too. They are like baby squirrels on Red Bull. The picture below was very hard to take but I was able to sneak up on this little guy while he was performing a Vulcan mind meld on a pile of rocks. It goes without saying that his hands are his best feature.


My roommate, Lev, spent the first 12 years of his life in Russia. You wouldn't know it talking to him. His English is flawless. This morning he was telling me about this phenomenon in Russia, called Зaпoй (or Zapoi). From what I can gather it is some sort of sporadic alcoholism. It begins with a night of heavy drinking. The next morning the drunkard stumbles to the liquor cabinet to fetch some more vodka. The best antidote for a hangover, Lev says, is more alcohol. Apparently when you drink, the blood vessels in your brain expand. After the effects of the nights prior wear off, you are left with incredibly constricted blood vessels in your cerebrum. The alcohol you drink in the morning expands these vessels enough to relieve the discomfort. Anyway the Russians nurse their hangovers with more alcohol until it is late afternoon, and it is only proper to begin another night of "vodka like water". A good Зaпoй lasts about a week. How anyone gets anything done in Russia is beyond me.

When I check my email on Yahoo I usually find myself looking through the headlines on the front page. There are always so many different kinds of news stories. If you haven't seen the 'cat sliding into box' you should definitely go see it for yourself. He is really a 5 star cat. It looks like Obama did something important too.


I have somewhere between 7 and 9 pages to write in the next 36 hours so I should really get to work on that.

Speak easy,
Neil

Today's Playlist:
Under The Covers (or artists who like other artists)

1. The Polyphonic Spree - Lithium (The Wait EP) *Nirvana*
2. Cake - I Will Survive (Fashion Nugget) *Gloria Gaynor*
3. Syd Matters - Hello Sunshine (The OC: Mix 6) *Super Furry Animals*
4. Bright Eyes - Devil Town (Noise Floor) *Daniel Johnston*
5. Rogue Wave - Everyday (Stubbs The Zombie OST) *Buddy Holly*
6. Xiu Xiu - Under Pressure (Women As Lovers) *Queen*
7. Youth Group - Forever Young (Casino Twilight Dogs) *Alphaville*
8. Nada Surf - If You Leave (The OC: Mix 2) *Orchestral Manoeuvres...*
9. Jeff Buckley - Hallelujah (Grace) *Leonard Cohen*
10. Gary Jules - Mad World (Donnie Darko OST) *Tears For Fears*
11. Iron & Wine - Such Great Heights (Such Great Heights EP) *The Postal Service*
12. Fiona Apple - Across The Universe (Pleasantville OST) *The Beatles*

Someone actually covered the Bright Eyes version of Devil Town. It follows the arrangements and instrumentation almost exactly. The song was recently featured in a 'Friday Night Lights' commercial.
I was tempted to put on some Me First and the Gimme Gimmes but it didn't seem right. I would recommend them though if you are looking for more cover songs.

P.S
Lev woke up with fireworks in his pocket. It was a surprise to both of us.
He also told me about some guy who's friends with his dad, a mathematician, that named his dog 'Cosign'. Now that's what I'm talking about!

EDIT: Here are some playlist recommendations I received from Taylor Rose...

1. Jenny Lewis - Handle With Care (Rabbit Fur Coat) *Traveling Willburys*
2. John Mayer - Message In A Bottle (Any Given Thursday) *The Police*
3. The Vines - I'm Only Sleeping (I Am Sam OST) *The Beatles*
4. The Vines - Ms. Jackson (Outtathaway! Single) *Outkast*
5. The Vines - Paint It Black (Unknown) *The Rolling Stones*

It looks like there is some controversy on whether The Vines actually performed that cover or not. Either way I'm going to check it out. Thanks Taylor!

Il pleut beaucoup...et un ami mange du pain.

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Water for Words

My name is Neil and I am an English student at the University of Massachusetts. I am currently drinking fresh coffee well into a Friday night. I was supposed to go home for the weekend to do laundry and meet Puff. Puff is the cat that my family adopted immediately after I left for school. She has replaced me and is probably wearing my old clothes, watching my television, and painting the walls of my room as I type this. Because of problems with time and space I am in my dorm room this weekend.

The title of this blog is the title of a chapter of the Nathanael West book, Miss Lonelyhearts. It is really good and I am going to write some sort of thesis paper on it before the semester is up.
For some reason I find it incredibly difficult to name things that are not completely self contained. Bands and blogs and projects. Songs, on the other hand, are usually fairly easy to name...as well as pets (charlie, jameson, keifer, and jeff are all good names). I have a theory that the older you get, the weirder your pet's names should be. For instance a guy like myself would not go wrong naming his dog "Mike", while an elderly person should totally name their dog "Little Stallion". It just makes sense.


Okay, so I was skimming my bookshelf and class notes looking for something that would resemble a good blog name and my eyes fall on 'The Brief Penguin Handbook'. My mind, being the way it is, processed this bit of sense-data as 'The Brief Penguin Handjob'. My roommate, Lev, insists that this is some sort of Freudian slip. The title just raises so many questions. Like "Why?" or "How?" or "Brief?".

Since my life plan seems to change just about every week I thought I would track the evolution of my future...if that makes sense. Right now I am learning French and aspire to become a "Teaching English as a Second Language" professor in Paris.

Stay hydrated,
Neil

P.S
I really do listen to a lot of music on a daily basis and enjoy making themed playslists. With each post I am going to try and compile a new (fun!) playlist. Hopefully this will force me to explore the previously unearthed regions of my iPod. 26 gigs and I listen to the same 3 songs over and over again.

Todays Playlist:
Flux Capacitor (or songs with years in the title)

1. The Smashing Pumpkins - 1979 (Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness)
2. Yeasayer - 2080 (All Hour Cymbals)
3. Peter Bjorn & John - Paris 2004 (Writer's Block)
4. Architecture In Helsinki - Spring 2008 (Fingers Crossed)
5. The Olivia Tremor Control - Memories of Jacqueline 1906 (Music From the Unrealized...)
6. The Elected - 7 Septermber 2003 (Me First)
7. Los Campesinos! - 2007, The Year Punk Broke My Heart (Hold On Now, Youngster)
8. Neutral Milk Hotel - Holland, 1945
9. The Unicorns - 2014 (2014 Single)
10. Gorillaz - 19-2000 (Gorillaz)
11. The Hives - Inspection Wise 1999 (Veni Vidi Vicious)

And for those with a more eclectic taste...

12. The Robot Ate Me - Oh No! Oh My! 1994 (On Vacation Vol. I)
13. The Fiery Furnaces - 1917 (Blueberry Boat)

*If you have any recommendations that might fit into this playlist let me know*