Tuesday, December 16, 2008

cold air and silver screens

Yesterday I had my last final and now I'm done with work until February. Mental work that is. I will need to work over winter break if I ever want to see London, Paris, or Rome.

It is truly amazing that the winter air in Massachusetts can smell like the winter air half way across the world. When it comes down to it, people and places aren't as different as people may think. Sure, there are different languages, different governments and different currency, but that doesn't change the fact that people are people. They enjoy watching stupid movies, dancing like nobodies watching, and eating cake. Even the hungriest child in the poorest of nations probably has a dirty joke that he would love to tell you.

My friend Sarah recommended that I post some explanations for the terrible movies that I saw in theaters. She said it would make for a good punishment of sorts for not updating the blog yesterday.

1. She's The Man

What was I thinking?: I was at the mall with a friend of mine and we had a few hours to kill. For some reason we had our minds set on seeing a movie and the only two options were She's The Man and Failure To Launch (starring the ever so talented Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker). The deciding factor rested solely on the fact that She's The Man was based on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night.

Verdict: Felt like an ABC Family prime time, single camera comedy (which would probably be entitled Soccer Daze). Predictable, clichéd, and boring.

What I wish I was watching: 10 Things I Hate About You.

2. Scary Movie 3

What was I thinking?: I bought the ticket thinking that I could easily sneak in to Matrix Revolutions. The theater decided to have a police officer stand guard at the door so that no underage kids could sneak in.

Verdict: By far the worst comedy I have ever seen. The couple awkwardly making out in the seat next to me didn't help with the overall experience.

What I wish I was watching: Ghostbusters

3. The Skeleton Key

What was I thinking?: I did not want to see this movie. The reason wasn't because I was worried about the quality of the film, but because I am a not a fan of the horror genre. It was not my choice. I was with a group of friends and one of them, who I didn't know very well, insisted that everyone needed to see this movie. Apparently it had the greatest twist ending in the history of cinema.

Verdict: Boring and (towards the end) laughable. I am just sorry that Peter Sarsgaard had to drag his career through this movie. The ending was alright I suppose but not at all worth sitting through the entire movie for.

What I wish I was watching: The Others

4. Spice World

What was I thinking?: I was an 11 year old boy at the time and I went with a friend of the family. For some reason I thought going to Spice World was entirely acceptable. I liked Baby Spice because she was not nearly as intimidating as the rest.

Verdict: No comment.

What I wish I was watching: This Is Spinal Tap

5. Hairspray

What was I thinking?: The critics seemed to like it. I was going on a date after I got off of work. The other movie I could have gone to for the allotted time was Rush Hour 3 (if memory serves). I tend to hate musicals but I thought this one might be different.

Verdict: Annoying and idiotic. The only redeeming qualities I could find in this film were Christopher Walkin and John Travolta (in drag). If the entire film were based around these two characters I think I wouldn't have fallen asleep half way through. (Note: only film I've ever actually fallen asleep during)

What I wish I was watching: The Producers

6. Wild Wild West

What was I thinking?: This was playing as a double feature, alongside the South Park movie, at the air force base cinema. I was 13 at the time and would have gone to see a child birth if it meant I could sink my teeth into more South Park.

Verdict: Better than watching childbirth but not nearly as rewarding. Completely nonsensical and ridiculous and the only film (to my knowledge) that Will Smith regrets doing.

What I wish I was watching: South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut

7. Evan Almighty

What was I thinking?: I was going to the Wellfleet drive-in on a double date.

Verdict: Illogical. Ridiculous. Pointless. How do you suck all of the funny out of Steve Carell? Why does the flood only last five minutes? How does Morgan Freeman (God) inevitably have nothing poignant to say?

What I wish I was watching: The Office

I thank those who have too much time on their hands.

Speak easy,


sarah j. said...

neil this delights me and as i mentioned before, your explanations almost raise more questions. i mean, really.

(also, soccer daze is an EXCELLENT alternate abc/disney channel name for she's the man.)

Selina said...

Rome really isn't all that great- at least around Easter. when I went it was full of religious fanatics set on seeing the Pope in person. I saw him and it was not that exciting.

I like your explanations for seeing those movies. Baby Spice was def. the best Spice Girl!